I've been thinking a lot about myself and where my future is headed. On top of that, more so than usual, my self esteem has been extremely low. I continuously doubt my intelligence, my worth, my talents because I'm compare myself to others time after time. With all of these thoughts in my mind each day, it distracts me from taking steps to think positively about myself. I usually don't share my most personal thoughts on The Oxfordist because I honestly feel that nobody really cares and visits the site for what I've advertised this platform to be, my personal style's journey. I'm also the type of person who doesn't share my true inner feels because everybody else has their own problems, insecurities and issues to deal with and adding to their plate isn't always the best.
In 2 months I'll be turning 25 years old, which simultaneously excites and frightens my soul. Although I have accomplished some of the goals I had set for myself up until this point, there is still so much I need to do. Those said insecurities of doubting my worth and intelligence get in the way because I'll sit in the corner of my room and overthink about all the things I dislike about myself. The angel on my shoulder is saying "Well if you've acknowledged these issues and know what's stopping you from putting your future goals in motion, why don't you snap out of it and get to work?!" While this makes perfect sense and would be the same advice I'd give someone who'd ask me, the devil on my other shoulder is just as well saying, "Yeah girl, but it's easier to wallow to yourself and think about how you hate your weight or why you think you're not beautiful, or smart or as amazing as your surrounding peers . . . so let's just do that because those things won't change anyway!".
I've come to terms with the fact that it's really hard to be kind to myself because of my high expectations. Better yet, God's expectations.
Anyway . . . at this point, I've said a lot and it may seem like a list filled with random bullet points about myself that need more elaboration. For right now, I just want to breathe, cry, breathe, pray, breathe, cry, breathe and think.